[pct-l] Going solo...

[jolson at olc.edu (Jeffrey Olson)]

I've been following the posts on hiking alone.  One comment I have is 
that what often makes hiking alone hard is not "loneliness."   Quite the 
opposite.  It is in fact the incredible richness in living that slowly 
emerges as the busy-ness filters learned in day-to-day living slowly 
recede.  Loneliness or lonesomeness is an emotion that involves sadness 
or despair from being apart from others.  While this may occur for some, 
I think hiking alone engenders something different. 

I think that what can happen when you hike for any length of time alone 
is not longing for human contact - rather, it is the inability to exist 
with all the stuff that is emerging as a consequence of busy-ness 
filters receding.   Those filters are what we know, in large degree make 
up who we are, our personalities.  The longing for human contact doesn't 
come from it's lack, but from the incredible pain/richness of a new "I" 
that may be emerging. 

Another factor that may come into play is that some people simply are 
not torn!  This is not to say that this kind of personality isn't deep 
or reflective or exultant or capable of feeling intense emotion.  It 
simply means that a person is comfortable in their skins, regardless of 
the situation in which s/he finds herself. 

Insofar that the modern world teaches us how to live on the surfaces, we 
learn to exist inauthentically.  "I" identify with my car, job, physical 
beauty or its lack, etc.  There are many people who have a well of 
personal suffering from being rendered invisible that is lifelong.  And 
it's not until a person is alone for any length of time that the 
authentic part that is "person" emerges, and identification with all the 
surfaces and materialist and consumer stuff reveals itself for what it 
is, a huge system of smoke and mirrors that continues the status quo.  
When "I" am revealed in all my inauthenticity, the newly revealed 
person, the emerging "I," feels great pain. 

What is difficult here is to live moment to moment, hour by hour, day by 
day with the raw emotions that burgeon forth.  Ask any mother - giving 
birth is usually painful. 

I for one realized that the "raw emotions burgeoning forth" come from 
seeing I need to work in my "busy-ness life" and effect change here, day 
to day.  I've hiked alone too many times for too many years to see a 
long trip on the trail as the "means" to effect change any more. 

For some there is a slow awakening to a different way of living - life 
on the trail.  Going back to busyness life requires readjustment.  This 
too often means accepting that the busy-ness life is one we have to give 
into.  I learn to accept being-invisible again, albeit with the first 
vestiges of self-awareness that won't let me accept being as invisible 
as I was before.   The longing to be on the trail  is a constant, 
chordal theme and often plans are made to change jobs, etc., around 
another thru-hike.  This first stage self-consciousness creates 
dissatisfaction with being invisible and having to act inauthentically, 
while the self-consciousness recedes.  I'm reminded of the book "Flowers 
for Algernon" that was made in a movie, "Charlie." 

For me, it took a lot of years and trips to see that backpacking is a 
place to have fun, to experience the wilderness, and to share this.  The 
hard work that fostering the newly emerging "I" entails I need to do 
here, in the busy-ness world. 

It only took me a couple days out of Manning this summer to realize that 
I'd kidded myself again, had built up a mythical structure around this 
long section hike.  I got off the trail for two weeks, and got back on 
for five days, got off for six weeks, and got back on for eight days.  I 
finally realized that backpacking is not my venue for personal growth.  
I know the pain that comes from learning/teaching myself to act from my 
authentic person.  Backpacking now, whether for five days or months, is 
going to be fun. 

Again, this is my perspective.  I live alone and work much of my time 
out of my home office.  If I don't have classes or meetings scheduled, I 
can easily go for a day or two without speaking a word aloud.  I usually 
don't, but can.  I don't need the trail to be alone.  I don't need the 
trail to struggle with learning to live authentically.  that's a 24/7 
process happening as we write/read... 

I've been backpacking since I was 8 - 1960 - did my first solo trip at 
19, and have three other section hikes of a month or more I've done 
alone.  Finally, maybe just finally I can let go of that myth and just 
have fun - enjoy myself on the trail!!! 

Jeff, Just Jeff...