[pct-l] Waiting to Decide...

[jjolson at uwyo.edu (Jeffrey J. Olson)]

I find myself in an interesting position.  I'm looking for work and have 
interviewed at one university, and have a couple non-academic 
applications out here in Wyoming.  I have known for three years that I 
didn't have enough publications to get tenure here at the University of 
Wyoming.  IN the next couple weeks I'll know if one of the three jobs 
want me, and then, decide if I want t hem!

The worst case scenario is that I head out in the middle of June to hike 
SOBO on the PCT or CDT.  The deepest part of me, the part that is fully 
cognizant and feelingly aware that I am going to die, is waiting for the 
jobs to fall through and to discover at the end of April I have six 
weeks to finish the house remodel, store my stuff, rent the house, pack 
and plan the trip, and head out on June 15. 

I love saying this is the worst case scenario.  My friends and family 
don't understand how at 52 years old I can plan a year off.  I should be 
fearful and settle for the lowest common denominator, which isn't really 
anywhere close to being on the table anyway.  I feel so priviliged to be 
able to say the worst case is a year off and a five month hike...

So I couch my innermost hopes as the worst case.  I say this knowing I 
would leap at two of the three jobs - dream type jobs.  This doesn't 
even cover the very real possibility of doing consulting. 

But I mark my life by how long I can take the intense aloneness of 
hiking for days on end.  In 1971 I lasted about five days.  In 1976 I 
lasted for two weeks.  In 1994 I lasted for 35 days.  I've lasted for 
numerous 7 to 10 day trips since then. 

I'm curious to see how long I could remain centered enough to hike alone 
in 2005.  The thought is frightening to be honest.  I remember with 
seared clarity what it felt like to be alone for 35 days.  There are no 
rules.  This is easy to say - there are no rules - but it is hard to 
live.  I find it hard to be present in my own life with 
self-consciousness and purpose.  It is so easy to go from one busyness 
to the next.  This is larger than thru-hiking of course.  But the kind 
of depression I find waiting to grab me when I relax in front of the tv 
or in a best-seller type novel is always framed by the larger sense I 
could be doing something more engaged and hence meaningful.

Work is meaningful, and hiking alone is the hardest of work.  It hurts 
more than anything except death of a loved one...  The kind of work 
being alone for months on end presents makes my spirit quail in my 
fearful life.  I am curious in my challenged being to see what will 
come.  I always come away from a solo hike longer than a couple weeks a 
changed person.  I'm so damned stable now, I wonder what will happen?

Jeff Olson
Laramie WY




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