[pct-l] Long Distance Hikers and $

Sat Oct 15 11:06:14 CDT 2011

Thanks, Heather, and thanks, Graycie. (Uh-oh, Heather ~ did you just give me
my trail name ahead of time? I've wondered what it would end up being). :-D

Heather, I suspect you are going to surprise you soon -- and often. As Bette
Davis said in that great film *All About Eve*, "Fasten your seat belts."

I know some folks raise their eyebrows when I say this (but I'll risk it,
since I'm not shy): the middle-aged and well-aged women I've known deeply
and well have taught me that women's trajectories in life really are quite
often quite different than are men's trajectories -- and much
misunderstanding and strife comes when men & women don't embrace that, when
they try and presume one's model fits the other.

You go, girl!

Cheers,

~Charles

On Sat, Oct 15, 2011 at 9:33 AM, Grayce Palmer <graypalm at gmail.com> wrote:

> Charles,  that is SO awesome!  Thanks for sharing!
>
> -Graycie
>
> On Sat, Oct 15, 2011 at 10:25 AM, Heather Darnell <mom_and_alex at yahoo.com
> >wrote:
>
> > Charles [may I call you "Cheers"?! It seems so fitting having read many
> of
> > your posts ;) ]
> >
> > Your response to Sue really reached me. I am 50, and won't be starting my
> > thru-hike for another 5 years. "Married wife, single mom" - as our
> youngest
> > deserves having a present parent. He will graduate from high school in
> June
> > of 2016 - a bit late for me to start a thru hike, so I won't go until
> 2017.
> > And I do hope various family members will jon me for at least parts of
> it.
> >
> > This sentence of yours really made an impression:
> >  Papa thought his refusing to join Mother would keep her at home.
> >  I bet my husband believes the same! Not gonna happen!  I do what I can
> now
> > to prepare, working out, taking short hikes. I am blessed to only work
> part
> > time, and don't expect money to be a problem as I squirrel away resources
> > bit by bit ;)
> >
> > I hope my husband will come to the same conclusion your dad apprently
> > reached, and be honored to serve as the "home team" most of the time.
> >
> > THANKS so much for sharing the inspiring story of your scuba diving mom
> :)
> >
> > Blessings,
> > Heather Darnell
> >
> > Message: 14
> > Date: Thu, 6 Oct 2011 08:16:36 -0600
> > From: Charles Doersch <charles.doersch at gmail.com>
> > Subject: Re: [pct-l] Long distance hikers and $
> > To: Sue Kettles <sue.kettles at comcast.net>
> > Cc: pct-l at backcountry.net
> > Message-ID:
> >     <CADH_B_iKqxp5_=MfNYi3iRBWybKFAo5JLOMsC7-PP3zr=ttQSQ at mail.gmail.com>
> > Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1
> >
> > Sister Sue, I encourage you! And I do understand.
> >
> > Maybe other married wives in their 40s and 50s can speak to this
> challenge
> > you faced with even greater insight. I know my sister-peers who are
> married
> > found by strange and circuitous means that they had grown into a
> different
> > place than had their husbands by the time they reached their 40s ...
> (some
> > earlier, some later). Their needs were different. That meant life had to
> > change. [The old bon-mot by Oscar Wilde comes to mind: "Women marry men
> > hoping they'll change. Men marry women, hoping they won't. Both are
> > disappointed."]
> >
> > My mother at 63 decided she wanted to take up scuba diving (since her
> knees
> > were injured and she couldn't hike well any longer), and my father was
> not
> > interested. He had done it much years before, and after having had a
> > sharply
> > adventurous life, his taste for adventure had been waning. Mother's
> > however,
> > had grown over time -- or deepened. She, too, had been an adventuress but
> > babies & hubby side-tracked her for years (though she infused our
> > upbringing
> > with adventures, no doubt about it).
> >
> > Now, after years, she had grown increasingly restless of being expected
> to
> > be her husband's nest. Her children and husband had felt entitled to her
> > attending on their needs for so many years. Where was the adventuring
> girl
> > she had known herself to be long years before -- the one not expected to
> > fuss & coddle, tend & mend, water & weed, wipe & tuck in? And she was
> > certainly finished with asking her husband's consent for her to do what
> she
> > wanted to do.
> >
> > Papa thought his refusing to join Mother would keep her at home. But no,
> > Mom
> > took up scuba diving (with me as her co-conspirator) -- and invited him
> to
> > come along, always. And he always refused. So she grinned and said, "I'll
> > send you a post card." And she did.
> >
> > She joined me & my clan scuba diving in Australia and Fiji and Papua New
> > Guinea and in the Caribbean. She was gone for months at a time.  And she
> > sent postcards. Of course, Papa (a retired Air Force officer) had in
> > earlier
> > decades flown off to assignments for months at a time in far-away and
> > glamorous lands while Mom changed diapers and held down the fort of an
> > entire household. He sent her postcards. She was a military wife then --
> > and
> > knew this was normal. She did not complain.
> >
> > Now she turned to Papa when he tried to complain that what mother was
> doing
> > was selfish or unreasonable. (and, of course, our culture does guilt-trip
> > "mothers" for having their own adventures -- so Mom had to contend with
> the
> > whispering voices inside her, as well). She told Papa that he was a big
> boy
> > now. He could cook for himself. He had friends to play cards with. He had
> > movies to go to. He had libraries to read in. And no, she was not being
> > selfish to get out and enjoy life while her health lasted. He had seen
> the
> > world while she raised children alone -- and the country & neighbors
> called
> > that noble, and called that good. She was a big girl, she had been able
> to
> > handle it.
> >
> > However, she also knew that self-denial for years creates reservoirs of
> > resentment -- something many mothers of a certain age recognize. She knew
> > that reservoir would only threaten her days with my father as the years
> > went
> > by if it continued to fill. So rather than feed that reservoir -- she
> began
> > draining it, by taking up her own life in her own hands -- still loving &
> > caring about Papa & the rest of us -- but not being constrained by any
> > unwarranted neediness.
> >
> > They stayed married. And Mom had adventures. And eventually, Papa
> > rediscovered his own atrophied taste for pizzazz. When Mom was out
> meeting
> > us in far & strange places, Papa would fly out or drive out to rendezvous
> > points & bring celebratory libations & festive food. We'd party with him,
> > then off & away Mom and the rest of us would go, and Papa would drive off
> > with a wave to meet us elsewhere. He became the support system guy
> > ("logistical support" he called it) -- and loved the role.
> >
> > Mom, at 84, completed her most recent shark dive in Barbados a couple
> years
> > ago.
> >
> > Cheers,
> >
> > Charles Doersch
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