[pct-l] Long Distance Hikers and $

[Grayce Palmer]

Charles,  that is SO awesome!  Thanks for sharing!

-Graycie

On Sat, Oct 15, 2011 at 10:25 AM, Heather Darnell <mom_and_alex at yahoo.com>wrote:

> Charles [may I call you "Cheers"?! It seems so fitting having read many of
> your posts ;) ]
>
> Your response to Sue really reached me. I am 50, and won't be starting my
> thru-hike for another 5 years. "Married wife, single mom" - as our youngest
> deserves having a present parent. He will graduate from high school in June
> of 2016 - a bit late for me to start a thru hike, so I won't go until 2017.
> And I do hope various family members will jon me for at least parts of it.
>
> This sentence of yours really made an impression:
>  Papa thought his refusing to join Mother would keep her at home.
>  I bet my husband believes the same! Not gonna happen!  I do what I can now
> to prepare, working out, taking short hikes. I am blessed to only work part
> time, and don't expect money to be a problem as I squirrel away resources
> bit by bit ;)
>
> I hope my husband will come to the same conclusion your dad apprently
> reached, and be honored to serve as the "home team" most of the time.
>
> THANKS so much for sharing the inspiring story of your scuba diving mom :)
>
> Blessings,
> Heather Darnell
>
> Message: 14
> Date: Thu, 6 Oct 2011 08:16:36 -0600
> From: Charles Doersch <charles.doersch at gmail.com>
> Subject: Re: [pct-l] Long distance hikers and $
> To: Sue Kettles <sue.kettles at comcast.net>
> Cc: pct-l at backcountry.net
> Message-ID:
>     <CADH_B_iKqxp5_=MfNYi3iRBWybKFAo5JLOMsC7-PP3zr=ttQSQ at mail.gmail.com>
> Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1
>
> Sister Sue, I encourage you! And I do understand.
>
> Maybe other married wives in their 40s and 50s can speak to this challenge
> you faced with even greater insight. I know my sister-peers who are married
> found by strange and circuitous means that they had grown into a different
> place than had their husbands by the time they reached their 40s ... (some
> earlier, some later). Their needs were different. That meant life had to
> change. [The old bon-mot by Oscar Wilde comes to mind: "Women marry men
> hoping they'll change. Men marry women, hoping they won't. Both are
> disappointed."]
>
> My mother at 63 decided she wanted to take up scuba diving (since her knees
> were injured and she couldn't hike well any longer), and my father was not
> interested. He had done it much years before, and after having had a
> sharply
> adventurous life, his taste for adventure had been waning. Mother's
> however,
> had grown over time -- or deepened. She, too, had been an adventuress but
> babies & hubby side-tracked her for years (though she infused our
> upbringing
> with adventures, no doubt about it).
>
> Now, after years, she had grown increasingly restless of being expected to
> be her husband's nest. Her children and husband had felt entitled to her
> attending on their needs for so many years. Where was the adventuring girl
> she had known herself to be long years before -- the one not expected to
> fuss & coddle, tend & mend, water & weed, wipe & tuck in? And she was
> certainly finished with asking her husband's consent for her to do what she
> wanted to do.
>
> Papa thought his refusing to join Mother would keep her at home. But no,
> Mom
> took up scuba diving (with me as her co-conspirator) -- and invited him to
> come along, always. And he always refused. So she grinned and said, "I'll
> send you a post card." And she did.
>
> She joined me & my clan scuba diving in Australia and Fiji and Papua New
> Guinea and in the Caribbean. She was gone for months at a time.  And she
> sent postcards. Of course, Papa (a retired Air Force officer) had in
> earlier
> decades flown off to assignments for months at a time in far-away and
> glamorous lands while Mom changed diapers and held down the fort of an
> entire household. He sent her postcards. She was a military wife then --
> and
> knew this was normal. She did not complain.
>
> Now she turned to Papa when he tried to complain that what mother was doing
> was selfish or unreasonable. (and, of course, our culture does guilt-trip
> "mothers" for having their own adventures -- so Mom had to contend with the
> whispering voices inside her, as well). She told Papa that he was a big boy
> now. He could cook for himself. He had friends to play cards with. He had
> movies to go to. He had libraries to read in. And no, she was not being
> selfish to get out and enjoy life while her health lasted. He had seen the
> world while she raised children alone -- and the country & neighbors called
> that noble, and called that good. She was a big girl, she had been able to
> handle it.
>
> However, she also knew that self-denial for years creates reservoirs of
> resentment -- something many mothers of a certain age recognize. She knew
> that reservoir would only threaten her days with my father as the years
> went
> by if it continued to fill. So rather than feed that reservoir -- she began
> draining it, by taking up her own life in her own hands -- still loving &
> caring about Papa & the rest of us -- but not being constrained by any
> unwarranted neediness.
>
> They stayed married. And Mom had adventures. And eventually, Papa
> rediscovered his own atrophied taste for pizzazz. When Mom was out meeting
> us in far & strange places, Papa would fly out or drive out to rendezvous
> points & bring celebratory libations & festive food. We'd party with him,
> then off & away Mom and the rest of us would go, and Papa would drive off
> with a wave to meet us elsewhere. He became the support system guy
> ("logistical support" he called it) -- and loved the role.
>
> Mom, at 84, completed her most recent shark dive in Barbados a couple years
> ago.
>
> Cheers,
>
> Charles Doersch
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