[pct-l] My New Credo

[CMountainDave@aol.com (CMountainDave@aol.com)]

Man, all this bear talk has got me scared. Therefore I have decided to adopt 
the following credo:  I promise never to enter any woods again without taking 
the following: a bear canister, a spare bear canister, water filter, extra 
filters, cell phone, the twenty five  essentials, a Red Cross first aid kit 
for group disasters, a shovel for fires, lightning rod, rope, hard hat, 35 
cents in case the cell phone goes dead, solar powered battery charger, signal 
flare, vitamins, ice ax, walking sticks, crampons, bear bells, whistle, 
stamps, package tape, binoculars, SPF 150 sun protection, Skin - So-Soft, 
passport, birth certificate, bee sting kit, snake bite kit, splints, litter, 
a large knife, altimeter, global positioning unit, a complete set of 
wilderness regulations, any and all required permits in triplicate, 
snowshoes, recyclable fuel canisters, porta potty and /or feces canister, 
avalanche beacons, rescue insurance, life insurance, health insurance, 
weather alert radio, Visa AND Mastercard, written permission from mom, dad, 
and my boss, Travelers checks, deodorent, calamine lotion, Absorbine Jr. , 
reading glasses just in case, U.V. umbella, low fat food, Pepto Bismo, Beano, 
ExLax, breath mints, hand warmers, Towelettes, Walkie Talkies, alum, prosac, 
and, finally, a pacifier.This will all make for  a 125 lb + pack but I still 
plan on adopting the ultralight credo by using running shoes and only wearing 
the clothes I have on until they rot away. I promise to learn dentistry, CPR, 
advanced first aid, mt. rescue techniques, orienteering, braille, sign 
language, Spanish, Morse code, self arrest, and  tai chi. On Ethics: I 
promise never ever have a "polluting" campfire that denies grubs their dead 
wood, never eat berries that belong to the birds and bears and /or Indians, 
never feed gray jays, chipmunks, or ants, adopt "no trace" as my mantra which 
I will repeat 1,000,000 time a day a, walk tippy toed to leave as little 
footprint as possible, forsake the use of "throwaway" cameras  and donate 
$10,000 to a random National Forest to ease my guilt about not paying my fair 
user share.  I promise to hike my own hike but never ever go solo because of 
all the perverts and psycopaths around and never again to question authority 
because deep down I know that whatever the hell they tell me to do is for my 
own damn good as well as mother natures. I will never gaze upon Crater Lake 
because the Indian Medicine Men said not to and never make fun of tourists or 
backcountry rangers. Oh yeah, I also will never ever climb so much as a hill 
ever again or go skiing because it's just too dangerous and the fine print of 
my health insurance is too hard to read.