[pct-l] Long distance hikers and $

Thu Oct 6 09:16:36 CDT 2011

Sister Sue, I encourage you! And I do understand.

Maybe other married wives in their 40s and 50s can speak to this challenge
you faced with even greater insight. I know my sister-peers who are married
found by strange and circuitous means that they had grown into a different
place than had their husbands by the time they reached their 40s ... (some
earlier, some later). Their needs were different. That meant life had to
change. [The old bon-mot by Oscar Wilde comes to mind: "Women marry men
hoping they'll change. Men marry women, hoping they won't. Both are
disappointed."]

My mother at 63 decided she wanted to take up scuba diving (since her knees
were injured and she couldn't hike well any longer), and my father was not
interested. He had done it much years before, and after having had a sharply
adventurous life, his taste for adventure had been waning. Mother's however,
had grown over time -- or deepened. She, too, had been an adventuress but
babies & hubby side-tracked her for years (though she infused our upbringing
with adventures, no doubt about it).

Now, after years, she had grown increasingly restless of being expected to
be her husband's nest. Her children and husband had felt entitled to her
attending on their needs for so many years. Where was the adventuring girl
she had known herself to be long years before -- the one not expected to
fuss & coddle, tend & mend, water & weed, wipe & tuck in? And she was
certainly finished with asking her husband's consent for her to do what she
wanted to do.

Papa thought his refusing to join Mother would keep her at home. But no, Mom
took up scuba diving (with me as her co-conspirator) -- and invited him to
come along, always. And he always refused. So she grinned and said, "I'll
send you a post card." And she did.

She joined me & my clan scuba diving in Australia and Fiji and Papua New
Guinea and in the Caribbean. She was gone for months at a time.  And she
sent postcards. Of course, Papa (a retired Air Force officer) had in earlier
decades flown off to assignments for months at a time in far-away and
glamorous lands while Mom changed diapers and held down the fort of an
entire household. He sent her postcards. She was a military wife then -- and
knew this was normal. She did not complain.

Now she turned to Papa when he tried to complain that what mother was doing
was selfish or unreasonable. (and, of course, our culture does guilt-trip
"mothers" for having their own adventures -- so Mom had to contend with the
whispering voices inside her, as well). She told Papa that he was a big boy
now. He could cook for himself. He had friends to play cards with. He had
movies to go to. He had libraries to read in. And no, she was not being
selfish to get out and enjoy life while her health lasted. He had seen the
world while she raised children alone -- and the country & neighbors called
that noble, and called that good. She was a big girl, she had been able to
handle it.

However, she also knew that self-denial for years creates reservoirs of
resentment -- something many mothers of a certain age recognize. She knew
that reservoir would only threaten her days with my father as the years went
by if it continued to fill. So rather than feed that reservoir -- she began
draining it, by taking up her own life in her own hands -- still loving &
caring about Papa & the rest of us -- but not being constrained by any
unwarranted neediness.

They stayed married. And Mom had adventures. And eventually, Papa
rediscovered his own atrophied taste for pizzazz. When Mom was out meeting
us in far & strange places, Papa would fly out or drive out to rendezvous
points & bring celebratory libations & festive food. We'd party with him,
then off & away Mom and the rest of us would go, and Papa would drive off
with a wave to meet us elsewhere. He became the support system guy
("logistical support" he called it) -- and loved the role.

Mom, at 84, completed her most recent shark dive in Barbados a couple years
ago.

Cheers,

Charles Doersch

On Wed, Oct 5, 2011 at 11:43 PM, Sue Kettles <sue.kettles at comcast.net>wrote:

> Your story is so encouraging to me.  I am also 54 - and took the married
> with family route.  My limitations with hiking have to do with family needs
> rather than job/money issues.
>
> I tried to hike the PCT this year - only made 1000 miles of it mostly due
> to
> the snow conditions I didn't want to deal with.  My husband graciously had
> said to go for it this year-he wants me to live out my passions best as I
> can.  He has life-time injuries and chronic pain that keep him from any
> kind
> of hiking.  It was very hard for him to have me gone for 3 months, so I
> doubt I can talk him into another try at it for another few years.  After
> all, I was the one out having fun and he's staying in life routine and goes
> to bed alone at night. When you have a mate with different life needs and
> ambitions - it is very difficult if you want to stay married, which I do.
>
> We married at 21 - far to young for me since I did not even know I had a
> backpacking and adventure passion then.  Marriage of 33 years, 4 adult
> children and 3 grandchildren, I have to/want to work within the system of
> family obligations, needs and desires. I told them all last year - "there
> will be no marriages, no babies, and no surgeries this year because it is
> going to be the summer of Sue...please."  I must say that all of my family
> was totally behind me and cheering me on the whole time.  2 of my daughters
> came for several weeks - one for almost the whole time.  She intended to go
> for 1 week and loved it so much, she just stayed.  Isn't that cool?
>
> I envy your freedom.   I'm making due the best I can with compromise.
>
> But it can work if you make it work.  Whatever your "challenge" is - if you
> want it, you will do it.
>
> I am very happy that you get to do the PCT next year - YOU WILL LOVE IT!!
>  I
> had the time of my life.
>
> And somehow, I will be back, because my desire just won't go away.
>
> Sue (Sister Sue/Hatchet Jack)
>
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: pct-l-bounces at backcountry.net [mailto:pct-l-bounces at backcountry.net]
> On Behalf Of Charles Doersch
> Sent: Wednesday, October 05, 2011 6:13 PM
> To: Scott Williams
> Cc: pct-l at backcountry.net
> Subject: Re: [pct-l] Long distance hikers and $
>
> Although I'm now 54, I began out of college making money & living choices
> that maximized freedom, and minimized obligation. I lived cheaply and
> worked
> ambitiously -- (working smart). I knew I wanted to enjoy my life all along
> the way, and not wait until the end. The last two lines from the Emily
> Dickenson poem had stuck with me:
> "So instead of going to Heaven at last
> I'm going all along."
>
> I focused my purchasing power on verbs, not nouns; I bought what would
> bring
> me experience rather than buying what would weigh me down. Camping gear,
> scuba gear, etc. -- that got me going, got me out. Luckily, as a gay man
> living back in the day, most of the societal obligations and opportunities
> (marriage, kids, career) were denied me. So I leveraged that into
> opportunities. If I'm not going to find acceptance by obeying all their
> rules, woooooey, I guess I don't have to agree to those obligations.
>
> Over 30 years now I have had adventures all over the planet -- and yet I'm
> not living hand-to-mouth. Lived on six continents and traveled in 59
> countries. For example, Sean and I got paid very well in Taiwan as English
> instructor s-- and that funded four months in Africa and three months on a
> scientific survey in the South Pacific. We worked as volunteers at an
> archeological site in Australia that paid for our room & board for as long
> as we wanted to stay in Oz.
>
> Now I'm a university professor who gets summers off -- and I've just gotten
> an unpaid leave-of-absence to be able to do the PCT in 2012. Of course, it
> helps having a family that burns with the same level of passion you do. My
> household of great guys have always been willing to work like crazy
> (overtime, long hours, weekends, etc.) at jobs that will nevertheless let
> them get time off. Then we get the time off and go.
> And go.
> And go.
>
> The old addages certainly have proven true for us: If you want a secure
> life, you must give up the dream of freedom. If you want a life of some
> freedom, you'll have to give up some security -- if you want a life of
> great
> freedom you will have to give up great security. But we're okay with that,
> because we believe security to be often a dangerous illusion in day-to-day
> life.
>
> But we are under no illusions about how powerful the experience of the PCT
> will be for us. We traveled 5000 miles village-to-village across Africa ...
> we traveled 8000 miles from Colorado to the far end of Panama and back ...
> we traveled about the same from Istanbul to Arctic Norway ... we lived
> abroad working our way around the planet for a year and a half ... and it's
> always a wrestling with titanic middle-class forces that wish to draw you
> back into settled, sedentary life (usually whispering fears & worries into
> our ears). The PCT will be a greater challenge than any we've faced -- and
> therefore a game changer.
>
> When we talk about plans for beyond the PCT, we generally stop, grin,
> shrug,
> and say: "I guess we'll have to let the PCT-Chuck, PCT-Sean, PCT-Matt, and
> PCT-Chris decide that later. They'll have the better perspective."
>
> Can't wait.
>
> ~C
>
> PS. Another gift the PCT has given us a year ahead of time, is that for the
> past five months we have been hiking every day in the Colorado mountains
> getting stronger, fitter, harder-bodied, and lighter-on-our-feet --- all
> while working extra jobs to pay for next year. How awesome is that?
>
> Cheers!
>
>
>
>
>
> On Wed, Oct 5, 2011 at 3:34 PM, Scott Williams <baidarker at gmail.com>
> wrote:
>
> > Congratulations Shelly!!!  And good advice to folks who just can't wait
> > till
> > their old like me to hike long trails.
> >
> > Shroomer
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