[pct-l] Loved ones left at home

[Linda Bakkar]

                There has been talk on this list about the feelings of the 
person left at home.  This year, I am leaving my husband of 42 years at 
home, and I have had off-and-on guilt feelings about it.  But I have also 
been on the other side, so this message is to help the loved ones who stay 
behind.

	My husband left me behind several times over the years as he traveled 
overseas.  Some of those times were filled with uncertainty about his safety 
and about the length of time he would be gone – weeks, or months.  I 
remember vividly the first time he left.  I watched his airplane fly into 
the blue sky until it was a tiny dot and disappeared.  (That was at least 30 
years ago, and you could go to the gate with your family back then.)  With 
two small children in tow, I walked through the airport halls to my waiting 
car with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  There was an emptiness 
that I could not escape.  He was not in the car.  He was not in his seat at 
the dining room table for dinner.  When I woke up in the morning, his side 
of the bed was still made up.

	But I went on with my life…

	Those tears and the empty feeling do not continue with the same intensity – 
at least for me they didn’t.  Within a few days, I remember having a 
perverse feeling of freedom, when I was at a friend’s house and I realized I 
could stay as late as I wanted without having to call my husband so he would 
not worry.

	Another thing I did that helped me was to throw myself into a big project.  
The last time my husband flew overseas, I painted my two story house by 
hand.  It took me a whole month, but I knew he would be pleased when he got 
home, because he wouldn’t have to take care of that chore himself.  If you 
have a house of your own, there are always home improvement projects you can 
find.  Knowing that you are doing something to surprise your loved one helps 
to make the absence easier.  If you do not own a home, maybe you could take 
a class or learn something new.  Learn to draw, learn about geology, learn 
photography – anything new will preoccupy your mind with something other 
than your loneliness.  It will also make you a more interesting person for 
your loved one to enjoy when you are reunited.

	When my husband was gone, I felt great relief whenever I received a phone 
call from him.  This year, when I am on the trail, I plan to call my husband 
as often as I can, just to give him ease of mind that I am okay.  When I was 
at home, getting a phone call from my husband did not make me yearn for him 
any worse – but it eased my mind that he was doing well, and also that he 
was thinking of me.

	I also think that, if the loved one is included in the planning as well as 
resupply help, it can make a big difference in feelings.  My husband likes 
to be a part of my life, even if it is something where he cannot physically 
be there with me.  I have included him in my planning, asked for his advice, 
enlisted him to help me make my stove and other little engineering projects 
for my hike, and asked him to be ground support for me.  Allowing your loved 
one to be a part of your plans makes it seem less like abandonment, I think. 
  When my husband asked me to help him with various aspects of his trips, I 
still felt empty, but I felt needed and wanted.  There is a difference.

	Lastly, I feel I need to put this in perspective.  I have also been a 
mother who had to say goodbye to her son when he was sent to Iraq, near the 
beginning of the war.  That painful emptiness was acute – especially when a 
CH-46 helicopter went down on the first day of the war, and it was reported 
on CNN that all were killed.  I was alone watching that announcement, and 
that was our son’s kind of helicopter.  It was a full night and day before 
we knew that he was not on the list of fallen soldiers.  LOVED ONES AT HOME, 
you are NOT sending your person to a war zone.  Yes, there are dangers on 
the trail.  But your hiker person is fulfilling a dream, going somewhere 
with hopefulness and happiness – not a place of war.

	For the loved ones at home, know that you are allowing your hikers to 
experience an adventure of a lifetime, and that most will come home 
enriched.

	For the hikers out there, only YOU can know your own situation.  My advice 
may not fit for you, or it may…  Just keep listening to your gut, and go 
home if you have to.  I am glad if my words can help your loved ones stick 
it out.

	Lindy (Blue Butterfly) Bakkar